Our Adult World As We Know It

No matter where in this world we live, people's lives change when they become parents.  But the degree to which we get absorbed in our children's worlds varies greatly.  There are places throughout the world where children, while cared for, aren't catered to in any special way. These are cultures where true communities exist, where people have a sense of duty toward each other, and where caretakers of little ones are never alone. I think of villages, tribes, and cultures where openness and togetherness are the norm.  Adults continue with their activities while children are right in the middle of it, playing or observing.  Babies and children in such environments don't demand adult attention because their innate need to be included is met.  In the article "Who's in Control: The Unhappy Consequencesof Being Child-Centered," Jean Liedloff explains:

"Because a toddler wants to learn what his people do, he expects to be able to center his attention  on an adult who is centered on her own business. An adult who stops whatever she is doing and tries to   ascertain what her child wants her to do is short-circuiting this expectation. Just as significantly, she appears to the child not to know how to behave, to be lacking in confidence, and even more alarmingly, looking for guidance from him, a two or three year old who is relying on her to be calm, competent, and sure of herself."

In the DC metro, and in many parts of the U.S., where parents are typically the sole caretakers of their little ones, the above scenario is common. In any culture where privacy and individualism prevail, and where human resources are not easily available to caretakers, it's hard not to be somewhat child-centered. But much of our culture's child-centeredness comes from having lost trust in ourselves, and thus not trusting our babies, who we view as fragile, lacking sense or judgement, and needing to be catered to as well as socialized ("shaped" and "molded" into a way we feel is acceptable).  These views are reflected in the tendencies of many adults to:

• follow their child around everywhere for fear they'll hurt themselves or others.
• frequently help, teach, correct, and try to socialize their child. 
• closely monitor and frequently intervene in children's play and exploration.
• get their child to do or say certain things, play a certain way, and understand concepts they may not be ready to.
• immediately swoop in to "fix" upsets and mediate quarrels.
• control their child's environment and shelter them from the stimulating adult world.
• spend much of their time entertaining their child, going where the child wants to go, doing what the child wants to do (mostly kiddie activities and events), and frequently getting toys.
• be rigidly bound by their child's schedule of naps, sleep, etc.

While many parents may feel at least some of the above are necessary to be a responsible parent, these ways of being with children never felt natural to me. Perhaps because I had observed other ways in other cultures which did feel natural. But reading The Continuum Concept helped me understand why we, as a culture, have the above tendencies. The underlying reason is fear. Fear of our children getting hurt, being left behind, and turning out bad, unhappy, and any other way we don't want them to be.   We have these fears because we dont trust our babies, and we dont trust our babies because we dont trust ourselves. 

From an early age I knew that I wanted to be a mother. I couldn't verbalize it then but the feeling I had was of wanting to give my child the ability to truly thrive.  But for many years I felt I would mess up. I didn't trust myself. But as I became present to the pain inside of me, something shifted in me. I became less fearful and more trusting.  I realized the answers are within me, or rather, a "knowing." This is what The Continuum Concept describes. The Yequannas, who are untouched by modern civilization, trust life. They are one with life, and know how to be with their babies. But when we no longer trust ourselves, we seek answers outside of ourselves. We find ourselves sifting through all the opinions and expert advice to figure out what is best, and second guessing ourselves. Often what we end up doing goes against our intuition.  We end up busily doing what we think is right or good for our children, instead of "being" with our children, and "allowing" our children to be. All out of fear.  For years I was very much interested in the topic of parenting, until I began to go within, and trust life.  Whatever concerns I still had, which came up during the early part of my pregnancy, fell away entirely when I read The Continuum Concept. Instead of caring about how to parent my child, I wanted to care for my child, and allow my child to be.   

The need to teach and socialize children is so strong in our culture that, consciously and subconsciously,  it permeates much of adults' interaction with children.  Yet consider there are cultures in which adults have no agenda to teach or socialize children. The Yequannas consider babies and children to be innately social, meaning good-natured and desiring to cooperate, help, and learn.  They know this to be the true nature of all Yequannas. Children are also considered fully capable of learning what they need to know, and not prematurely expected to or made to understand adult-created concepts.  In continuum cultures, babies' and children's socialization and learning occurs through observing those around them, and much of a child's learning occurs through her own initiative.  In the same article, "Who's In Control? UnhappyConsequences of Being Child-Centered," Jean says of the Yequannas:

"It only struck me after the fourth of my five expeditions that I had never seen a conflict either between two children or between a child and an adult. Not only did the children not hit one another, they did not even argue. They obeyed their elders instantly and cheerfully, and often carried babies around with them while playing or helping with the work.  Where were the "terrible twos"? Where were the tantrums, the struggle to "get their own way," the selfishness, the destructiveness and carelessness of their own safety that we call normal?"

Whether adults enjoy being child-focused, or feel it's their duty to cater to their child in special ways, it takes a lot of effort and can be tiring. Both adult and child lose their freedom. The deeper consequence of an adult being child-focused is the unspoken messages she unconsciously conveys to her child. "You're bad." "You're fragile."  "You're incapable." "You don't have any judgement." All of which stem from the main message.. "I dont trust you."  Of course these are not messages any well-meaning parent wants their child to absorb, but it happens subconsciously.   In a documented interview of Jean Liedloff, entitled:"Allowing Human Nature to Work Successfully," Jean says: 

"We are paying a terrible price when we do not trust our human nature, which works beautifully when we do. When we don't trust it, our expectations are inappropriate for ourselves and our children."

By "expectations" Jean means our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and our children, which affect the way we interact with our children, and the unspoken messages we continuously and unconsciously convey to them, through our tone, our words, our expression, body language, and actions. What I say next may sound outrageous, but even something as universally accepted in our culture as praising or rewarding our children for doing something "good," like using the bathroom in the potty, lending a helping hand, sharing their toy with another child, or simply cooperating, contains the hidden message of mis-trust, as in "I didn't expect that of you." It's a subtle thing but, as Jean explains, there's a subconscious tendency in children to fulfill the expectations of their elders, or, put another way, internalize the unspoken messages that are conveyed to them.  And so our children grow up losing their innate trust in themselves. 

Jean describes in detail in The Continuum Concept how our loss of trust in ourselves has negatively played out in society. As a whole, we live in a culture that is discontented, perpetually seeking contentment in various forms. Trying to fill this gap usually results in addictions of unending variety. One major form of addiction I've observed in the DC metro area is perfectionism and a need for control. Jean says in her interview: 

"Whenever this reversal took place and our elders stopped expecting us to be social and expected us to be anti-social, just to put it in gross terms, that's when the real fall took place. And we're paying for it dearly. Just imagine the neurotic and psychopathic people that we have become. Why do we have a 50% divorce rate? Why do we have so many police? It's not just Americans, it's the whole of Western civilization laboring under a misapprehension of what human nature truly is."

Continuum societies, by their very nature of not being child-focused, convey to children the unspoken message of trust. Imagine a child subconsciously receiving, every time an adult interacts with her, the message: "you are social," "you are capable,"  "you are strong, and resilient," "you are intelligent," or "you know what you're doing..you have judgment and the desire for self-preservation." These messages are never spoken out loud, but contained in the simplest of interactions. An accepting look. A nod. Saying something and then walking away..   Because adults view/expect children to be social, they have no agenda, and simply allow children to be. In fact, having this knowing about human nature means that everyone is allowed to be. Thus the adult world is preserved, and both children and adults thrive. The children grow up fulfilling the appropriate expectations of them. While they have their unique personalities, they grow up to be serene (within) and content, with an unshakable trust in themselves. A trust that was never worn away. 

While we live in a very different culture from the Yequannas, we can learn from them, our fellow human beings, who represent our true human nature, ie., consciousness. We can make choices, big and small, which allow us to be less child-focused, and more trusting.  In this way, we can give ourselves and our children freedom.  

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What a baby really needs is an active person, active not simply with baby care, which i dont think is a legitimate activity, but doing something else. Doing Grown-up work, just lugging the baby along so the baby can be in the middle, to watch and learn. Jean Liedloff interview, "Allowing Human Nature to Work Successfully." 

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My son Karthik will be four in March. Since his birth, I have made conscious choices to preserve my adult world. But like most of us living in the DC metro, I lacked a critical piece the Yequannas have always had: a tribe. There was a time period at home where I could barely crack an egg to make breakfast before Karthik wanted to nurse.  There was no community within my home, and no one to distract him. Nor was it easy for me to get out of the house to be with others. It was wonderful when one of our tenants was home during the day and we could hang out for a while (they are like aunties to Karthik), or when a guest was staying over. Having one other adult around really changed the dynamics, and for brief time I'd have community.  But for long periods it was just Karthik and me.   While this is the case for most SAHMS (Stay at home moms and dads), parents who work outside the home also spend plenty of time alone with their child. For partners, being with the child often occurs in shifts. The single parent may not even have that.  

 The saying "It takes a village to raise a child" may have become popular in our country, but it is not what we have in the DC metro suburbs.  Whether at home, or outside of the home, most of us are sole caretakers of our children, without the help of neighbors/community or extended family on a normal basis.

So we must not only preserve, but also enrich our adult world. We are surrounded by human beings, all longing to be connected. 

The spaces I choose to be in, the activities I do, the people I spend time with, (basically where I put my energy), and, most importantly, how I am with my child, have helped preserve and enrich my adult world.  I have mentioned several times about "allowing" a child to be.  I want to clarify that this doesn't mean letting the child do anything she wants (see my post Tantrums are Beautiful).  I will elaborate more on this in the upcoming blog posts. In the next several posts I'll share what I've done to preserve and enrich my adult world at home, (where we are often the most isolated), and outside the home. Getting out regularly and often to be with my community has been key, and has actually led to a more lively world within our home.  So, till next time..happy holidays :)

Karthik enjoying the rain. 18 months old.