What is the Continuum?

During my pregnancy I read the book Continuum Concept, by Jean Liedloff, which brought to surface primordial desires in me. To care for my little babe, and allow this being to be. To be part of a close-knit community.  To care for children, sisters, brothers, and elders. And to be cared for.  To do physical labor with others. To enjoy camaraderie. To nurture the earth.

Whatever interest or concerns I had about parenting vanished.

On a quiet afternoon in March 2011, I gave birth to my son in my bedroom, with the help of midwives, doula, and my dear husband, who kept feeding me raw coconut water which I couldn't get enough of.

Caring for my child has felt completely natural, and so beautiful to me. I don't think there's a better gift one can give someone, than allowing that person to be. I get to give this gift to my son over and over.  It is easier with him, an innocent babe, but I am learning to give this gift to myself, and to the other "grown up" children in my life, who deserve it just as much.

People people everywhere, but not a soul to know.

But it wasn't until I became a mother that I realized how isolated we are in the DC metro area.  Or maybe I knew this, but after becoming a mother I really felt the impact.  Where we live, we are surrounded by people, our neighbors. Yet we hardly know them, or don't at all.  This is true for most cities and suburbs across the U.S.   In an interview of Mark Layman at the  Whole Earth Summit, co-founder of City Repair Project (which I just heard this morning), he said American communities suffer isolation like no one on Earth.  He believes that it is because people in our society don't think they have much in common with each other.  I guess that comes with diversity, and such different ways of thinking about things. According to Mark, "we have lost the commons."

"Stay at home Moms" (SAHMs), and caretakers of any kind who are at home, feel this isolation most deeply. Perhaps also the elderly. Or anyone who is not part of an office, work or school environment where they see the same people daily for that matter.  But the isolation is felt on some level by almost everyone. It just gets masked by the busyness. Going from one place to another, doing this or that, "to-do" lists, texting, TV, and addictions to various forms of stimulation. For some, socialization is met in school or work, which may be like a second family.  Socialization is also met by making a phone call to a friend, or going out somewhere, or getting together with friends. By the time people get home, they are too tired to get to know the one who lives next door, or who's window is facing theirs. 

For the truly isolated, there are support groups, many of them on-line. But the SAHM "community" consists of.. SAHMs. The elderly community consists of the elderly, etc.  I thought of places where I had visited in India, where rich tapestries of community exist.  Young and old are together. Neighbors doors are open. Openness and togetherness is the culture. Even the local "stray" dogs and cats are given some roti (aka chappati) or milk by neighbors.  It seemed like everyone is cared for.

A rich, caring community is the backbone of a society. By rich, I mean where people readily "adopt" each other as sons, daughters, aunties, uncles, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, grandmothers, grandfathers, as well as adopt the little chirpy birds, crows, cows, trees, dandelions, stink bugs, butterflies, lizards, crickets, bees..and whoever and whatever else is around.  Here in the DC metro, where individualism and privacy prevail, we are seriously lacking in the vital strength that community brings. 

Almost any mother in the DC area will tell you, whether they have one child or more, that being a mother is wonderful, but also really tough. It's actually "unnaturally" tough, because we are doing it alone.   For most mothers, easy access to adult human resources (who the mother knows and trusts), is incredibly scarce. Some people are lucky to have close family nearby.  While others wish their family could provide more help.  Sadly, because our culture values independence, many women want to be able to do it all on their own, which makes it hard for them to ask for help, or accept help when it is offered.  Others are afraid to ask because they are worried they may be burdening another.  This isn't a surprise when everyone is stretched so thin, human resource wise. But this mentality of intruding, imposing, or being a burden, comes from an individualistic culture, which easily creates a feeling of scarcity.  As a result, mothers suffer inside, and when mothers suffer, their children and families suffer.  In his article called "Children Need Community," Peter Gray says:

Children are not designed, by nature, to attach just to the mother, or just to the mother and father. They are, for good biological reasons, designed to form multiple attachments, to many of the people in a community.  It is important to recognize here that the private nuclear family, living in a house apart from others in the community, is, from an evolutionary perspective, an unnatural environment.

He further makes some important points:

A too-exclusive attachment of child and parent is not only unfair to the child but can also be burdensome to the mother (it usually is the mother, not the father).  There is nothing natural about the idea that a woman should stop other activities and devote herself exclusively to children and domestic chores when she becomes a mother.  Hunter-gatherer mothers continue their foraging activities, and continue to socialize fully with the other adults of the band and with neighboring bands.  Motherhood does not isolate them; if anything, it ties them even more closely to everyone in the band, as they all enjoy relationships with the child.

The video below is about natural building with cob, a mix of dirt, straw and clay.  However, it is about much more than cob. Ultimately it is about community.  It is unfortunate that most of the cities and suburbs across the U.S. were not designed to bring people together on a daily basis on a neighborhood and very local level. Watch at 55:20, and 57:15.

We all need a caring community to truly thrive. While it's unfortunate that this backbone is missing in our society (for most of us), we can do something about it. THIS is what we have in common, a longing to be together.

The word continuum, in Continuum Concept, feels to me like "togetherness" and "living with presence." It is the way we used to live, and many still do around the world.

When I am home cleaning the dishes, cooking, cutting veggies, doing laundry, while my child is nearby playing, I often hum or sing. I imagine in the continuum people working together rhythmically, singing, or laughing, while the children freely play.  People move with a natural ease, and walk with a rhythmic gate.  Every movement is purposeful. The body is properly aligned (no slouching), so that digestion and all organs in the body work optimally.  Facial expressions are usually relaxed. Not only do people work together, they also party, celebrating life with music and movement. 

Children are always there, part of the adult world. 

In the continuum, human resources abound. When someone needs help or has a challenge, it's everyone's concern.  They figure out how to help that person. In fact, help is given without asking (when it is obviously needed of course), in big ways, and in many small ways, to make things easier for each person, and is accepted by the one who needs it as if it's their right. No one is ever alone trying to do it all.  Nor are their rigid deadlines for doing things. Time is not of the essence and life is not taken seriously.

This reminds me of what a friend from India once told me.  She was not from an indigenous culture, or even a village. But the culture in India is more open. When my friend was little, her mother stayed at home, and the mother next door had to work. So the neighbor's kids would stay at my friend's house.  There was no money exchange for this. It was simply that one of the mothers had to work, so who would watch the kids. It was not just a problem of that family, but the concern and duty of the people who lived around that family to help.  Plus my friend's mother had plenty of human resources available so it was no big deal. And my friend and her sister had playmates who they grew up with.  This scenario is harder to imagine in the DC metro suburbs, where we don't know our neighbors.

In the continuum, there is a knowing, that we are social beings. That we are perfect the way we are. This means that people let people be, not willing each other in any way.  Along these lines, there is no need to "socialize" children. Complaints in the mind are rare, so energy is free-flowing in the body. People have good energy.   

In the continuum, there is postpartum joy.

Not only does a woman feel capable and natural as a mother, carrying her baby on her hip while she carries on with her business, but support is readily available for her and she herself is cared for and nurtured by other women.  Mothers breastfeed anywhere, anytime, nourishing their babies tummies and souls. There is no shame. It's beautiful and natural to see.  Women give birth in peace, at home, or wherever it feels most comfortable. 

In the continuum, people live close to the earth. Nourishing foods are eaten, prepared using traditional wisdom, to make them easily digestible and the nutrients bioavailable.  One knows where their food comes from.  Milk comes straight from a cow or goat raised with kindness and reverence, on green pasture. Meals are shared.  What's mine is yours. What's available in the natural environment is used wisely.  The rhythms of nature are closely observed and there is great reverence for the earth, and the basic elements that support life.

If what I'm describing above sounds like an indigenous culture to you, you're right.  Indigenous cultures are the original cultures, which formed based on ways in which people adapted to the climate and ecology of the area. The Yequanas, who live in the rainforests of Venezuela, are living in the continuum. That is because their culture is untouched and goes back to the Stone Age. This is the natural way to live.

In many ways, American culture has lost the continuum. Expert advice of course has it's place. But as mothers and fathers, we have come to rely so heavily on it, no longer listening to our intuition to do what we have done with such ease for millennia.  But in observing the indigenous cultures, we can remember who we are. We don't need to be Yequanas to live in the continuum. Whether you are living in the rainforests of Venezuela, or the suburbs of America, or anywhere on this globe, you have access to the continuum. We are all continuum mamas and papas, when we are still. We know what needs to be done, and how to care for ourselves, the earth, and each other.   Expert advice is mostly needed only when we step out of the continuum, no longer trusting ourselves.

There are many people in our country reviving the continuum, one of them being Mark Lakeman, (in video above) who has done tremendous work (google him).  You can learn about a lot of the work being done by going to the Whole Earth Summit website.  Any one of us can revive the continuum in our own ways, in our own neck of the woods. This, I believe, is the best thing we can do for ourselves, our children, and for each other. I started this blog to share how I am living in and reviving the continuum, and creating postpartum joy where i live, in the DC metro suburbs.  Maybe my sharing will inspire some of you try it out as well.